A Newcomer's Perspective by Morgan 10/3/17
About four years ago when I first met my now husband’s family, all I could think was “wow, this a close family!” From the outside, they felt as close to perfection as one can imagine. After a few months as I grew closer to the family, I learned that they are in fact a tight-knit, supportive family, but that perfection is impossible. I observed the odd (for lack of a better word) behaviors that my father-in-law exhibited. As a new girlfriend of their second son, I didn’t really know what to think. Had he always been this way? They laugh things off, so it must not be too serious, right?
I have learned a lot about TGA over the last few years. How unpredictable this condition is, the roller coaster of emotions that it causes the person experiencing it as well as their close family and friends. I never knew my father-in-law before he was ultimately diagnosed with TGA, but entered the family at a time where having any kind of answers or name for what was happening was a blessing. The family was clearly scared, confused, unsure of what the future was going to hold for their husband and father. No matter how they were feeling, they remained supportive of my father-in-law. They remained positive about him “getting better” and were willing to try anything to make his life as normal as possible again (if there is even really such thing as normal!). I followed their lead!
Trial and error has been a recurring theme. Trying new tactics to help my father-in-law remember what he needed to while not making him feel bad for forgetting. The “R” word (remember) quickly became a swear word in the family as it easily frustrated him because he just could not recall what we were talking about. Humor had become the greatest friend anyone had – rather than being sad, frustrated or angry, my father-in-law was the first to laugh at himself, make a joke, put everyone at ease that it was okay! While TGA is certainly not funny, remembering to not take everything so seriously helped. Trying to remember to not take any comments made to heart is challenging, but important. I’ve learned that not everything he says is intended how I understood it. Most of the time, he really has no filter and says whatever comes to mind exactly as he thinks it. There is nothing black and white about TGA, absolutely everything is gray.
My father-in-law is still the same goofy, loving, generous, and sweet man he always was – but there are many struggles that come with TGA for him and his family. The never ending doctor’s appointments with many questions, but few answers. The many neurological tests that only left him frustrated and confused. The ever-changing ratios of medicine trying to find what works for him and makes him feel best. It’s incredibly difficult to watch someone that you love go through something like this. There are so many constantly moving parts – no two days are the same. Just when you think something works, its old news. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the sadness of how things have changed. I’ve watched my husband, his son, struggle to understand what’s happening to his dad and why. As a couple, we have watched his mom, sisters, brother (and his wife) try to understand what’s happening, just as we are. I’ve never personally encountered anything like this before so I truly can’t compare other cases, I only know our experience. I do not believe any two TGA patients are exactly the same – each person has different needs. I do know that being supportive, encouraging, understanding, and patient are absolutely crucial. It’s important to lean on family and friends that are there for you. As someone who did not know this man growing up, I try to be sympathetic to my in-laws for all they are going through. I can’t imagine watching my father or husband go through this. We are so lucky to have him with us and are thankful for that each day, but that does not mean there is a sense of loss and grieving for what used to be, how things used to be.
Sincerely,
The Daughter-in-Law
of the Second Son
